So... when are you having kids?
After you've been married for a few years, every conversation usually ends up at the same place.
"So... when are you having kids?"
The past few years, we've given numerous responses to this question.
My favorite is: "Eventually."
Clark's favorite is: "Hopefully 9 months from last night!"
Really though, he's done that.
And not just once.
In the interest of making things a little less awkward for everyone who has, will, and/or wanted to ask us that question... we decided to give everyone the news!
We can't have children naturally.
You thought this was a pregnancy announcement didn't you!?
To be absolutely clear! Everyone who has asked us this question, please don't feel bad! We don't hate you! You didn't know. Infertility is not a public thing for most people. This isn't meant to make you feel bad, it's meant to make you aware :)
Second. I wrote this post because I get asked this at least once a week. Just trying to save time here :)
Third. Everyone usually has half a billion questions. I don't mind talking about it, so I'll try my best to answer the main ones :)
***WARNING***
I AM A HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. BIG, SCARY ANATOMY WORDS MAY BE USED.
***PROCEED WITH CAUTION***
1. Who has the problem/who's fault is it?
No, people don't ever ask that. They come up with MUCH more clever ways to ask this (obviously) :) the infertility issue is on my (Hayley's) side. I have polycystic ovarian syndome (PCOS) so my body has decided (without my consent) not to ovulate. Pretty obnoxious.
But wait, there's more!
I have seminal plasma hypersensitivity.
All of my health friends totally just got that. Right?
For all of you who haven't taken medical terminology..
Two words... SEMEN ALLERGY.
Now, everyone and their dog probably just said "WHAT!?!?!" or some exclamation of shock.
Yes, it's a real thing.
Yes, I was shocked too.
Yes, that's the main reason we can't have kids.
WEIRD. I KNOW.
It's a rare condition, not many people know about it.
My body essentially keeps the sperm from from swimming very far.
Who knew that after years of lifeguarding, my body would want to keep the job going?!
Except instead of saving them, they destroy them so... you know. Rough.
For all of you with the insatiable appetite to know more, here you go:
2. Have you tried this treatment? Or this magical oil that causes spontaneous fertility in everyone in a 12 mile radius?
Sorry. Couldn't help myself. Some of the "treatments" people have suggested have been hilarious :)
There isn't a cure. There's really expensive allergy desensitization that you can try could work doesn't really work. So that leaves us with traditional fertility treatments. We are working with amazing doctors and specialists at the Utah Fertility Center. They are incredible, especially Dr. Shawn Gurtcheff. Not biased at all...
3. Three things people have said that you shouldn't say because they just don't help.
Nope, not really a question... More like an FYI :)
"You just need to have faith". Mmmmm... doesn't work that way. I have faith that things will work out the way God intended. I have faith, but faith alone doesn't always work that way. I'm not going to sit on my bum and expect a miracle. I think it's a miracle I was born in a time where I have incredible doctors at my fingertips to tell me what I can do myself to fix the problem. I think it's a miracle that I have answers to why we can't have children. I think it's a miracle that I have such an amazing support group of family and friends.
"It could be worse". Yes, I know it "could be worse". It doesn't really help the situation though, so let's just leave that one unspoken.
"Why haven't you tried fertility treatments yet?". Well, for those of us without a money tree growing in the back yard, that's the main reason. Ten thousand reasons actually. It's $10,000 minimum just for the procedure to get pregnant. Did I mention that you're paying for a 70% chance that it will work? It's a wee bit expensive :) Second, with my allergy, it complicates things. It's a little bit of an experiment, because it's pretty rare.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Think twice before you ask other couples when they are having kids... for many, it's a really painful question to be asked. I'm very open about our infertility, and I really don't mind talking about it. For others, it's a constant reminder that they can't have children. Be sensitive.
And that's basically it folks.
If you have questions, feel free to ask.
Other than that.... thanks for reading :)
Hopefully this clears up any confusing answers you've received from us the past few years!
With love, Hayley and Clark
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